January 24, 2013

Searching for Answers

Sometimes Liam asks the most random questions. The other day we were sitting in the drive-thru at Sonic. I was in desperate need of an afternoon caffeine fix when Liam starts a conversation that goes like this....

Liam: Mommy, why are you keeping all of my baby toys?
Me: Well, daddy and I might have another baby someday.
Liam: I thought mommies had babies, not daddies.
Me: Well, when a mommy has a baby, the baby belongs to the mommy and the daddy.
Liam: Oh. Mommy, do you want another baby?
Me: Yeah, buddy, I do.
Liam: Well, I came from your tummy, so let's go to the store and see if we can get another baby to put in your belly.

Sweet boy...if only it were that easy.

The truth is, D and I have been going to the store to get another baby in my belly for almost two years....22 months to be exact. In those months, I feel like I...or we...have been to hell and back.

When we began trying, I thought it might take a few months. After all, it took us nine months to get pregnant with Liam. So, we started trying and I started taking ovulation predictor tests. Six months in, I came to realize that I was not ovulating regularly. I actually had one cycle that lasted 75 days. At that point, I decided to go to my OB.

After an annual check-up, my OB gave me a shot of progesterone to make me start. And, a prescription for Clomid. Five days later, I started. Five days after that, I started the Clomid. This is when hell began.

The Clomid made me crazy. I cried everyday. I picked fights with my husband. I felt disgusted with myself and my life. These feeling and actions were not me.

But, the Clomid worked. I ovulated when I was supposed to. I just knew I would get pregnant while taking the Clomid. So, I continued taking it for three cycles. Three looooooong cycles with no success.

After the three cycles of Clomid, we decided to take a little break from fertility help and to try for a while on our own.

One month I had all the symptoms. I knew I was pregnant. I felt the exact same as I did when I was first pregnant with Liam. And, then I started cramping. And bleeding. My heart hurt soooo bad.

We had been trying for 12 full months at this point. So, I decided to go back to my OB. He suggested that D have his boys checked and that I have an HSG test. During this test, the doctor injected dye into my fallopian tubes and took x-rays to see if there was any blockage. It hurt. For days. Real bad. And ended with a trip to the ER from the terrible pain and bleeding that resulted from the test. We discovered that I had a reaction to the dye. But, I didn't have any blockage!

D had his boys checked. Perfect.

So, we decided since there was absolutely nothing wrong with either of us that we should just keep on trying. We tried for another six more months before we decided to see a specialist.

We love our fertility doctor. He knows exactly what he is doing. He started the first month by prescribing me Femara. I took the Femara, ovulated right on time. And then, I started.

Per instructions, I went in for an ultrasound to check for cysts. No cysts. So, it was time for round two of Femara. This time, the doctor suggested a post-coital test during ovulation. Ever heard of one of these?!?! We pretty much had to "go to the store to try to put a baby in my belly" at 5:30 in the morning. Then, we had to be at the doctor's office four hours later. Awesome.

Again, this test came back normal. After getting these results, the doctor basically told us that there is nothing wrong with us. There is absolutely no scientific reason that we are not conceiving and that he will give us one more month of Femara, but there isn't anything else he can do for us...that is unless we want to spend some serious cash.

This all leads to the last week. I have been in a ton of pain. So much so that I left work early last Wednesday. After a full week of my lower, right abdomen hurting, I went to my Primary Care Doctor. He pushed around on my stomach to make sure the pain wasn't coming from my appendix. Then, he pushed around where my right ovary should be. Oh my! The pressure sent pain through my entire abdomen. So, he scheduled an ultrasound.

During the ultrasound, the lab tech (who remembered me from the one-thousand ultrasounds I had with Liam and is partially responsible for saving Liam's life...so thankful for this man!) discovered that my right ovary has moved. It is now hanging out behind my uterus. And, this is causing the pain. Again, awesome. I left the lab with the promises of hearing from my OB soon.

Now we wait....something we're getting pretty darn good at.

I've tried really hard to not be sad about all of this. I know that God has a plan that is so much better than the one I have for myself. I know that I am already so blessed. I have everything a girl could want...an amazing husband, a little boy made just for us, family and friends that rock, a job that I love, I could go on and on.

Why is it that this thing....this infertility....has such a big influence over my thoughts and emotions???

I keep thinking back to the fertility specialist saying, "There is no scientific reason that you are not able to conceive. This is good news to some, but terrible news for others because they want answers." That's me. I want answers.

Anyways, I have no idea why I decided to write this tonight, but I'm glad I did. It feels great to get it off my chest.

And, if you've made it this far, could you please add us to your prayer list? Prayers can move mountains, and in my case....maybe prayers can move ovaries?!?!?


Andrea said...

I made it to the end =) I'm so sorry for your pain and the long road you have been down. I know it's not an easy one. You've been added to my prayer list.

Katie said...

I made it to the end too and will definitely be praying for you! It's all about God's timing...don't doubt it for one second.

Exodus 14:!4 <--all time favorite verse :)

chrisandtif said...

I love you. And I love your little family. I started crying by the fourth line- I knew exactly where this was going.
I don't understand why you are going through this, but I have complete faith that you will have another baby. In fact, my money is on a girl!
I want you to know that I think and pray for you often. I know how long you have been waiting and I pray that this time next year you will be making all the final preparations for a beautiful baby! And that you and the baby will be happy and healthy.

Much, much love and thanks for sharing...

LB said...

Praying for you, friend.